Monday, October 17, 2016

Being Away From The Little One

The boy had his Dusshera holidays and my mother wanted him to spend a few days with her for some  grandmother-grandson time, away from their common enemy (that's me, right!), doing (and eating) stuffs which are otherwise not allowed by the villainesss (yes, again me!) and just letting the boy get pampered. Of course, I was happy to oblige since that would mean me getting some free time and living a few days like those pre-motherhood times. After a few calls and messages, I, along with my brother and a few family friends, planned a trip during those days and while the boy was looking forward to spending time with his grandparents I was looking forward to the trip.

It was not the first time I was going to be away from the little boy. Last year, when my brother and I went for a trip, the little boy stayed happily with his grandparents and once, he spent almost a week with his paternal grandparents while I got pampered at my parents' place. This time, though, the boy was a little more older, with an opinion of his own all the time. As much as I wanted to enjoy his time with his grandparents, I was apprehensive too. Would he be alright? Would he miss us? I kept asking the boy if he will stay with his 'Sheemallu' (my mother) and Muthassi without his Achan and Amma (the husband and I) and each time, he replied in the affirmative.

Two days after we reached Trivandrum, I was all set for my trip with the brother and friends. Compared to the last time that I left the little one with my parents, this time I fared a little better. The first time I was away from the little boy, even when everybody asked me if the little boy will be ok without me, it was the other way around. This time though, I was sure he was going to have a fun time around doing all stuffs that is otherwise restricted by me and being pampered to the core. Yet, I was worried deep inside. As much as I was excited and looking forward to my time away from the little one, as I kissed him good bye for a few days, deep down, I had a separation anxiety that I will never be able to explain properly.

While the boy had his fun-filled days with people at his disposal and daily outings, I had a lovely time too. It had been so each time I took time away from the little boy for having a little 'me' time. It gives me time to take a break from reality and rejuvenate myself. But, whatever said and done, nothing can be more bittersweet than being away from your little one. Every single thing reminds me of him, right from the mannequins at the kids store to random babies on the street. And each time you are reminded of him, you feel a tuck in your heart and you look forward to be back with him again. You have to hold yourself from not calling him every hour and let him enjoy his time. You wonder if he will be missing you and you feel a slight disappointment (though you don't want to) when you hear that he didn't ask for you. You look forward to the video call with him and you just want to grab him and give a tight hug. Every single photo of the little boy melts your heart and you can't wait to give him a kiss. Your eyes well up along with your heart each time you miss him and you don't want to let loose the tears in fear of people giving you the weird look (because, after all, aren't you the wicked one who left him back home to enjoy?).

However, inspite of all this, I will still do it and go through all these emotions again because I know the joy of spending time at grandparents' and nothing can ever replace it. All those stays at Ammumma's place when I was a kid, lazing around, being fed everything that you love and having absolutely no rules/restrictions to follow have given me so many wonderful memories  that I hold so close to my heart. And I want the boy to experience it too. Even if it means tearing away a piece of my heart once in a while!

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