Am I Happy?

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Of late, I have been hearing a lot about how happy I seemed to be going by my posts and blogs. I heard 'you seem to be really happy' quite a few times during my trip to Trivandrum this time. This, on quite a few occasions, left my face with a questioning look much to the worry of the person who asked me. And then, I find myself saying, "yes yes, I am happy", and that there is nothing wrong. But there’s so much more to it than that.

Life is not just about the happy pics that you see on social media. Despite being as happy as I am in the pictures, there are days when I hit rock bottom. There are days that I just want to run away from my home, my boys. There are days that I cry my heart out and wonder whatever happened to the happy go lucky girl that I was at school. There are days I am super irritated and cranky, and all I want to do is shut the bedroom door and hide away from everyone.

That said, yes, in the bigger picture, I am indeed happy. All thanks to some amazing friends to whom I can turn to at any time of the day and night and vent out what’s bothering me. All thanks to the friends who listen patiently to me cribbing about life without being judgemental. All thanks to some amazing people who takes note of even the slightest change in my mood and ensure that they are around, no matter what, until I am back to my cheery self. All thanks to the husband who, at times much to my irritation, is certain that I will not run away from him despite being mad at him after a fight and I am left with no option but to love him back, and kiss and make up. 

Above all this, I've realised my outlook makes a huge difference in being happy. I've realised my happiness needs to come from me and many a times, I've had to take effort to make sure that I am not moody and down. There have been times when I've said enough is enough and sprang out of the bed to put the happiest face just for the sake of being happy. It takes a lot of effort and conviction. But it has worked. Every single time. 

Happiness is relative. So if you are to ask me if I am happy, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am not always happy. There are times I wonder why life is like this. There are times I feel like running away from everything. Yet, I’ve chosen to create a happy, healthy space for myself, mentally and physically, and this has helped me a lot in staying sane. If this is what happiness is, yes I'm indeed happy!