The Big Move

I came to Bangalore as a newly married, all excited and eager to start a new life together with my husband. Those initial days, I yearned to go back to Trivandrum to settle down. Each chance I got, I took the next bus/flight to Trivandrum, even if it was for a day. Trivandrum was home. Bangalore was a temporary place, our place for work, where we were residing just for the time being. 

Then things changed. After the little boy was born, we shifted from the city centre to what you could call 'outskirts' as per Bangalore standards. We shifted our home to almost one corner of Bangalore, far away from the traffic. It was here that my life changed. I found friends right when I thought I wouldn't be making any new friends. To prove me wrong, life gifted me friends in abundance. Friends who held my hand and accompanied me to doctors when my little boy fell sick every single month, friends who brought me food when I was lazy to cook, friends with whom I went for household shopping, friends who checked on me if I was back home safe when the husband was not in town, friends who dropped and picked my little boy when I had to attend meetings. Friends who pampered and spoilt me. Friends around whom my life revolved. Friends who became family.

In the last 4 years Bangalore became home to me, without me realising, thanks to these friends who became my support system. I was at my happiest. I rediscovered the beauty of friendship, perhaps after my school days. I felt connected with my inner self. My perspectives and outlook changed for the better. I found a job that I love with all my heart. I felt settled. Which is why, perhaps, when the little boy said bye to his teachers and friends on the last day of his previous academic year along with a "I am not coming back here, I am going to study in Trivandrum", all of us had a hearty laugh. We shrugged it off as a joke. But again, life threw the biggest surprise at me. The husband got an opportunity to come back to Trivandrum and he grabbed it without a second thought.

As the two boys jumped with joy and excitement, I struggled with my emotions. On one hand, all of a  sudden Bangalore felt home and this meant leaving home and friends and on the other, I was going back to my family. Weirdly, I felt more upset than happy, and to top it, I felt guilty for feeling upset when I was 'supposed' to be feeling elated to be shifting to near my parents'. I snapped at everyone around me, I cribbed, I fought for random, silly reasons, and I cried for absolutely no reason. I got weird looks when I didn't show any excitement for the move and when I replied "but I had a support system in Bangalore too' to people telling me how now I would have a support system. 

Nobody understood that Bangalore made me fall in love with it, despite its shortcomings. Nobody knew that Bangalore gave me a life where I had people who knew me for the person I am and not for who I was related to. Nobody realised I had found my tribe in Bangalore. My tribe! ❤

I left Bangalore on the 29th of July, 2018. It took every energy in my body to not cry when I hugged my friends tight and said right from my heart, "see you soon". It broke my heart when the little kiddos hugged and kissed each other and promised to come to Trivandrum to visit us. It took all my will to take one final look at the house I called my home and walk out knowing that I might not step into this beautiful space of mine ever again. And then, as I left my favourite place and, along with the little boy, said 'bye-bye Bangalore' I broke down and cried. 

Despite living in two other cities other than Trivandrum, it was only Bangalore that gifted me a sense of belonging, a beautiful life that I had only dreamt of until I experienced it. A happiness that arise out of being home. I felt loved. The only place that left me with a sense of loss while leaving. 

From being Atheetha, now I would be going back to being known as Raghu's daughter most times. From leading an invisible life where nobody knew me or my family, I would be going back to a life where everybody knew everybody.  It is going to be difficult for me. Very difficult. But more than my luggage, I've brought back lots of love, warmth and well-wishes with me. And I know when the going gets tough, I have a bunch of people to reach out to, hear me out and even run off to for a short break. Like I proudly told my family, if earlier I had one home in Bangalore, now when I go for a visit I have many! ❤

Never ever in my wildest dreams did I dream of leaving Bangalore too soon. Yet, it happened. Now, it's time for the next phase in my life. You better be good to me, Trivandrum! 

As The Summer Holidays Come To An End....

I have vivid memories of my school summer holidays. As soon as the exams get over and the school closes for holidays, we would pack ourselves off to a close relatives house or we would have cousins visiting us. I still remember fondly the innumerable stay overs that we've had during those days. The days would seem short as we would play, fight, share stories and just while away time. Those memories hold a special place in my heart and thinking of it still brings a faint smile, no matter what!

Years passed, as college and work came by, summer holidays became a part of the distant past. It became a cherished memory that I could never get back. And then, the little boy started school and summer holidays are again back in my life.

This year, as much as I was looking forward to the holidays, I also didn't have a clue as to how I would manage him along with work. I always had friends helping me out and being my back up plan when I was away for meetings or if I wasn't able to make it on time to pick up the little boy from school. I had a hectic work schedule for the first week of April, bang when the holidays started. But summer holidays meant everybody had their vacation plans on and even otherwise, I wouldn't be able to bother them on a daily basis. That said, I didn't want to put the little boy for a summer camp too. He needed a break from the daily routine. This was his time to enjoy whiling away time, doing absolute nothing if that's what he wanted to do and in general, chill.

It all started with my mom requesting to send Adhrith to my parents' along with my brother. The little boy was excited. And off he went to Trivandrum, a few days into his vacation of which one of the days was 'go to meetings with Amma' kind of a day. Since then, the last two months have been celebration time for him all throughout. Home and parents were forgotten. He spent days away from us with his grandparents and cousins, helping his 'Muthassi' (my grandmother) plant saplings and water plants, visiting the beach and zoo, and not having a single minute to spare to even talk to his parents. :P Each time he came back home teary eyed and upset, because he didn't want to come back and stay wherever he was 'forever and ever'. Those times he was home, he had friends over from the minute he woke up.

Now, as the holidays come to an end, I am sure that the little boy has filled up his memory bag with truckloads of fun and enjoyment from summers of '18. With new words and, at times, accents that he picked up from his cousins and friends, a lot of 'Ammaaa.. you know..' and getting pampered big time, this boy has grown up a lot - through experiences, being with extended family, realising his fears and facing it, realising the world outside and comparing it with ours. 

Activities were forgotten, schedules took a u-turn, and just about anything that defined a structure went for a toss. Yet the boy has learnt. A lot. Much more than any activity or text book could teach him. He has learnt and picked up things beyond his age. Things that is going to be a big influence in his journey of growing up. Things that he will not forget. Along with him, I learnt too. I've learnt to let go. To worry less. To sit back and soak in the happiness of a little boy enjoying his day the way he wants.

These two months kept bringing me back the memories I made growing up. I hope the little boy holds the ones that he made close to his heart forever too. 

Musings Of A Work From Home Mom

I took a break from work when I was pregnant with my little boy. As much as I wanted to get back to work after he was born, the break extended to around two and a half years. I slowly started penning down our chronicles and publishing it and I got offers to write. Soon, I was working on a couple of things on my terms and time and I had the flexibility and a lot of time for myself. I worked only on hours when the little boy was away at school or asleep. The house was spic and span, neat and clean. The food was hot and ready by mealtimes. Then, almost a year and half back, I got an amazing opportunity to work for a social sector startup. It was in a field that I loved, a work from home opportunity and something that would bring me steady income monthly. There started my true life as a work from home mom.

In this last year and a half, life has been a juggle. It takes every nerve in my body to stay afloat, sometimes even sinking and then taking extra effort to get back. It is a sad reality that people take work from home very lightly. It's pretty much seen as a part time work for a bit of pocket money, while managing the house. This, sadly, is far from reality.

I start my day early in the morning and finish all the household chores before I have to drop the little boy to school and sit down for work. It's a whole day of work and I don't divert from work to get house things done. The only break that I take is lunch time, half of which goes to pick up the kiddo from school and getting him to sleep (only because I can work that time without feeling guilty of not spending time with him!). I again get back to work until evening, when the little boy prompts me that I have to wind up my work and take him to the park. Any time off from work is leave and is noted.

There's a lot of guilt. A constant guilt of not being there for your child inspite of being right there in front of him. The guilt of the house being messy all the time and not getting the time to clean up. The guilt of ordering food because you didn't get time in the morning to prepare or you got off a call late that it became too late to prepare food. The guilt of being impatient and rushing the little one. The guilt of giving screen time to your child so that you get additional time to finish up your work.

I get panic attacks when people do a surprise visit to my place (because, trust me, it is as messy as it can get!). There's a lot of "Oh, how lucky that you work from home. You can manage the house and still spend some time to work" that bugs me to the core yet I hold back from giving an apt reply. There's this constant struggle of managing child care if you have to go for meetings but you haven't enrolled for child care since most of the days you are home when the little one comes home.

A work from home job is a blessing. Of course it is in many ways! But it is definitely not a breeze. It is hard. But I am also grateful. Amidst the constant struggles and guilt, I've found joy and happiness from being able to be involved and doing some amazing work in an area that is very close to my heart. Yes, I do not get the time to finish many chores and I panic when I have surprise guests but I am willing to let it be for the greater good that a work from home job comes with. I am happy that I can pick up my little boy from school, I am happy that I can read stories for him when I take a break. I am happy to just be around. And most of all, everything just seems right and I know my little boy is proud of his Amma when he tells his dad, "You should ask Amma for money, she has lots of money" even though it is far from reality ;)

The Blessing Called Friends And Family

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It’s a month into 2018 and we’ve had 3 cuts, 2 dislocations, 2 doctor visits, an MRI Scan, a viral infection and a surgery between my two boys. I’ve been stressed, exhausted and at times, at my crankiest. There were times when I felt guilty, scared, clueless and anxious.

The first time the little boy fell down I was away at a meeting. The school, when they failed to get me on phone, reached out to my friend who, along with B, went to the school, picked up the little boy and brought him home. The mommy guilt crept in for not being there by Adhrith's side when he was hurt. I was torn between attending work and going back home. My friend stood her ground, told me to finish my meetings without being worried, made my little boy sleep and took care of him in the same way I would have. By the time I was back, everything was taken care of by daddy dearest and Nitika aunty.

Two weeks into January, B dislocated his shoulder twice in the same week, and a doctor visit and MRI revealed that he needed a surgery to take care of that. As we sat wondering where to get the surgery done, Achan (my dad) went a step ahead and shared the report with our family orthopedic surgeon back home, and suggested that it was best to get the surgery done in Kerala because of the family support back home.

Yesterday, B got done with his surgery. I was scared deep in my mind the last whole week although I tried being calm and cool in the outside. There were times when I lost my cool, cried my heart out, and even fought with B. I am calmer now, heartbeat back to normal and as the day comes to an end, I can’t help but think of the blessing called friends and family in my life.

This month showed me how I always have help just a call away, sometimes even before that! This month showed me how there is always someone to listen to my vents be it late in the night or early in the morning. I know I couldn’t have passed a day without these people in my life. As B was wheeled to the operation theatre, all of a sudden I felt scared. Right then, a message came from Achan - "just relax". That message brought exactly that! Amma, whose prayers are the best one that I believe in, was with me the whole day  and helping me with everything when B was wheeled back to the room. My sister in law, for whom it would have been way past her bedtime, kept messaging me, chatting about random stuffs and kept me engaged until B was out of the surgery. Right from my family to my in-laws to our friends, there were a lot of people who kept checking in on me every now and then leaving me ever so grateful for their presence in my life. Even certain things that I use in my daily life – a watch, bracelet, my current read, a few tea bags, wallet – gave me a feeling of having the people who gifted me these right by my side, holding my hand and giving me the strength when I felt scared. If it wasn't for family, little Adhrith would've had a major melt-down by now. There were times when he felt disturbed and wanted to be with me but his two best friends at home - Muthassi (my grandmother) and Achu maman (my brother) stepped in and took care.

I have no clue how I would’ve cruised this month without this support. There have been many times in life when I’ve argued with friends about how valuable the support of friends and family are. I’ve had many people who tell me that they know how to live on their own and doesn’t need any family support. And like I tell them, of course you can. But then, you will have to live through your sorrows and worries on your own. There will always be hurdles in life, and without people support it is definitely difficult to move forward. There’ll be no one to comfort you when that mommy guilt creeps in, no one to take care of your baby when you are held up with other unavoidable commitments, no shoulder for that comfort when you need it the most, no one to help you take decisions when you are confused and definitely no one to say, “don’t worry, we all are there!”. Trust me, there’s definitely nothing greater than the blessing called friends and family. 

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A Pachakanam Trip - When Cell Phones And Internet Became Old World!

It was out of a random conversation one late night that the Pachakanam trip ideated. A friend has a plantation estate there, the boys had been there a couple of times and when the idea of going for a trip came up, the most popular choice was, of course, Pachakanam. In between, a lot of other places came up, but finally we stuck to Pachakanam itself.

Since we were short of time and the place was booked over the weekend too, we decided to do a 1 night 2 days trip during the Gandhi Jayanthi long weekend. We were 12 of us and we started off from Trivandrum early in the morning on the 1st of October in three cars. 

Throughout the journey, a couple of us, 'the perpetually hungry teams', ensured that we had sufficient pit stops for food breaks.The first of the stop was at the Indian Coffee House due to the sudden craving for the Bombay Toast. As we munched on these triangle beauties and tried to analyse the difference between the Bombay Toast and the French Toast (we didn't find any!), we reached a favourite among the boys - Janardhana Hotel, an old shack kind of place with two tables and benches, serving the good old 'Pazhankanji' with curd, chutney, pickle and fish curry. The initial apprehension of having pazhankanji amongst a few of us were wiped off completely as soon as we had the first mouthful of this goodness. After a few more pit stops for changing cars, loo breaks, buying snacks and picking up a friend enroute, funny conversations and some crazy driving moments later, we reached Pachakanam by afternoon. 

The beauty of the place is mind-blowing and I fell in love with it more when I saw the pictures. Lunch awaited us - Rice, Moru, Beans Mezhukkuvaratti, Cabbage Thoran, Fish Fry and Pothirachi, which was lipsmackingly good. Fresh produce, simple food and hunger - all added to the taste and none of us could stop eating.

After a small break we set off to enjoy the plantation and the scenic beauty. A few off-roading sessions (at one point, I did pray hard and thought of my little boy) later, we reached a beautiful stream right in the middle of the road. We played in the water until dusk and it was time to head back to the bungalow - along with the leeches that were persistent (and successful) in getting onto our bodies and sucking the blood out.

As the night set in, the barbeque was set up and we sat outside the bungalow chatting and enjoying the weather and the mist. We spent the night playing dumb charades - after a long long time and how fun it was!, and having random discussions on the current affairs. After dinner (the best flaky parottas after a long time!), as one by one bid good night, the remaining few of us sat and talked about random stuff through the night and almost until the break of dawn.

The next day we woke up to a droolworthy breakfast of Appam, Egg Roast and Cardamom Infused Coconut Milk. The highlight definitely has to be that coconut milk - so full of flavour from the fresh cardamom plucked from the plantation. We then headed towards a private waterfalls within the estate and spent a good few hours there splashing water on each other, taking a good dip in the water and standing under the waterfalls. Soon, it was time to head back home after yet another amazing lunch.

The best part of the whole trip was, since there was no network coverage, mobile phones were  completely forgotten. We spent time together enjoying and living the moment, making memories, and totally cut out from the rest of the world - no facebook to check, no instagram to post, no whatsapp messages to send and no phone calls to be made. Just the twelve of us and the present to enjoy!

By the end of the trip, the one night stay felt too little a time to spend there. None of us wanted to head back home too soon. But sadly, we had to pack up and head back, already dreaming about the next time.

When Words Played Hide And Seek

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It's been a while since I wrote. At first, it was about taking a break, in my effort to find the right thoughts to pen down. Then, laziness took over. As much as I wanted to do something about it, the will that it had over me seemed quite strong and I found comfort in procrastination.

In the last couple of months that I went missing, I went through a roller coaster of emotions - excitement, happiness, worry, disappointment, relief, anger, and more. We went for a weekend getaway - a staycation of sorts which was a perfect family break.  A very dear boy got married to the love of his life and for the first time in my life I danced all night and stayed awake to watch the sunrise. Someone shunned me for not minting money and hence not being successful, and as much as I know that I don't measure success by money and despite being happy and content with the life I lead, this conversation brought me down, and it took a lot of positive thoughts and energy to get me back on track. Then there were certain things that shook me, brought close people closer and changed my whole outlook of life. I am not lying when I say I wanted to pen down each of those. But each of these emotions exhausted me to the core leaving me with no will to gather my thoughts.

Meanwhile, this sabbatical of mine made me realise the power of words even more. I had friends and acquaintances messaging and checking on me, wondering what happened, gently nudging and pushing me to write. I realised how this little space of mine became a good conversation starter, brought back long lost friends, turned old school mates to friends, and I felt grateful - to words, and to the ones who became my friends through these words.

Indeed, the world around me inspired me daily to write, but when laziness holds you in its clutches, it takes a tonne of effort to get back. With this post, I am trying to get back and I really hope I do. Because, amidst all that I do, it is this that gives me much joy, soothes my soul and helps me stay sane.

Like when you wake up from sleep and your voice is all groggy, or you try to walk for the first time after a surgery and your steps are shaky, it might take a little time for me to find my feet again. But that's ok. Because, end of the day all that should matter is a lightened heart and a calmer soul. And a couple of people who holds you close to their heart!

Dear Friend...

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Thank You,

        For the "you go, girl" even when the world thought I wasn't doing enough
        For asking "what's wrong?" even before I tell you anything
        For bringing my favourite dish each time you make it
        For taking care of me every single time I fall sick
        For all the times when you make me feel like a superwoman even when I was not
        For taking care of my baby when I had to be away
        For the "let's go together" when I tell you about wanting to run away
        For asking me out even when I've let you down a million times
        For the "where are you?" when you haven't heard from me for a while
        For letting me know I matter to you
        For listening to my vents and rants without being judgmental
        For holding my hands and being my shoulder when I break down
        For lifting my self-esteem when the entire world tries to bring it down
        For brightening up my day when I've had a terrible one
        For just being there no matter what

Because, if it weren't for you,

        I would have thought myself to be weird
        I would have plunged deep into darkness
        I would have worried a lot more
        I wouldn't have known the goodness this world hold
        I wouldn't have know what extended family means
        I have no idea how my life would have turned out
        Above all, I wouldn't have been me...

Am I Happy?

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Of late, I have been hearing a lot about how happy I seemed to be going by my posts and blogs. I heard 'you seem to be really happy' quite a few times during my trip to Trivandrum this time. This, on quite a few occasions, left my face with a questioning look much to the worry of the person who asked me. And then, I find myself saying, "yes yes, I am happy", and that there is nothing wrong. But there’s so much more to it than that.

Life is not just about the happy pics that you see on social media. Despite being as happy as I am in the pictures, there are days when I hit rock bottom. There are days that I just want to run away from my home, my boys. There are days that I cry my heart out and wonder whatever happened to the happy go lucky girl that I was at school. There are days I am super irritated and cranky, and all I want to do is shut the bedroom door and hide away from everyone.

That said, yes, in the bigger picture, I am indeed happy. All thanks to some amazing friends to whom I can turn to at any time of the day and night and vent out what’s bothering me. All thanks to the friends who listen patiently to me cribbing about life without being judgemental. All thanks to some amazing people who takes note of even the slightest change in my mood and ensure that they are around, no matter what, until I am back to my cheery self. All thanks to the husband who, at times much to my irritation, is certain that I will not run away from him despite being mad at him after a fight and I am left with no option but to love him back, and kiss and make up. 

Above all this, I've realised my outlook makes a huge difference in being happy. I've realised my happiness needs to come from me and many a times, I've had to take effort to make sure that I am not moody and down. There have been times when I've said enough is enough and sprang out of the bed to put the happiest face just for the sake of being happy. It takes a lot of effort and conviction. But it has worked. Every single time. 

Happiness is relative. So if you are to ask me if I am happy, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am not always happy. There are times I wonder why life is like this. There are times I feel like running away from everything. Yet, I’ve chosen to create a happy, healthy space for myself, mentally and physically, and this has helped me a lot in staying sane. If this is what happiness is, yes I'm indeed happy!

When Soul Olie Came Visiting

"The fish flies

high into the sky

The sun smiles

the clouds rejoice,

For there is the lotus

glowing quietly

at the root of the

tree called life"

A month back, I was sent a toddler full buckle my way for a few days to use and review. As always, I was eagerly waiting for it to reach us and when it arrived, I opened the parcel only to be left wide-eyed in awe and amazement. It was one of Soul's limited edition carrier, Roots and Wings, in collaboration with Olie, a family-run studio based in Bangalore that makes handcrafted decor accessories.

I fell in love with the print instantly as I took it out of the box. The panel is white with yellow and greyish-black print, depicting the tree, flying fish and roots. I love the description about the print in both the Soul and Olie page - the flying fish that set out on its journey to find Nirvana or true happiness, only to find it at the root of the tree called Life. This description gave a slightly more 'awe' factor to the print and I can't really tell you how much head over heels I fell in love with the carrier, especially after reading what the print depicts. The print just stands out in the crowd and is definitely a head-turner. The waist and shoulder straps are a dark greyish black, and this enhanced the beauty of the carrier. The entire colour theme just blended well together and it was a joy to see how beautiful it looked.

As I carried my little boy in this for the first time, I realised how soft and cushy the material is. Although it is cotton, I felt, compared to the other cotton range that Soul has (I've tried the Ikat print and the woven cotton carrier), this felt a tad bit softer. The fabric was light and although not as breathable as linen, this definitely felt cool on the skin. I loved how cuddle-worthy it was and it definitely made the carrier feel light and comfortable while carrying the little boy. 

The fitting is the same as all the other Soul's full buckles. I had earlier reviewed a standard carrier here. Although there I reviewed a standard full buckle, the technicalities of the toddler full buckle remains the same except for a wider and taller panel. The little boy is 3.5 years, weighs around 12 kg and is 93 cm tall. Although he still fits into a standard full buckle, we don't get the knee to knee support there, as we do in a toddler full buckle. The height of the toddler panel is still a tad big for him, but still snug and comfortable. 

This time, I guess, I fell in love with the carrier more than the little boy and there were times when he was on a carrier strike. I didn't lose heart though, I carried his friends in the carrier and got some extra cuddles as well. It came with us for our outings and we even turned to it for all the clingy, cranky moments at home. We did spend a good time with it, although we weren't able to capture a lot of images.

This was one carrier that left me in tears when we parted. I really didn't want to let it go but, well, it had to make a difference and show it's worth to other parents too. I miss having it with us and you won't believe the number of times I've thought about it after it left us. This one definitely left a huge impression on me and I am sure, if and when I think of adding one more full buckle to my stash, this would be the one that will come to my mind first. 

Saree - Book Review

Title: Saree

Author: Su Dharmatala

Pages: 560

Genre: Fiction

Rating: 4/5

Six Lives, six loves and a precious cloth that binds them together

I had been eyeing this book for about a year now. It just needed it's name to grab my attention and since then, I had been asking every book store that I walk into for this book. Sadly, none had and finally, a month back, I placed my order for this book through Amazon.

I was so excited to get the book that I didn't wait to start reading it. The book is divided into five parts - The Knot, The First Drape, The Pleats, The Second Drape, The Fall, and The Finishing - and spread across Sri Lanka, India and Melbourne. The hero of the book is definitely a saree, described so beautifully that I wished I could see that beautiful piece in real life. The book is exactly what the blurb suggests - from the lush beauty of Sri Lanka, ravaged by bloody civil war, to mystical India and finally its eventual resting place in Australia, this is the story of one precious piece of cloth and the lives it changes.

The first part is well written, held my attention and I delved deep into the book. I loved how the whole story line was described and the weaving process - especially that! Everything about the first part was perfect. However, I felt, this set a high expectation for me for the rest of the book which, sadly, the book didn't meet at times. Especially certain parts which was written in the the slang the character speaks, which felt quite awkward to read. 

Except for the few parts in the middle, I loved the beginning and end. It's not that I didn't like the chapters in the middle, I just felt that it could have been better to capture the attention of the reader better. After a fast paced first part, the book felt dry at places before picking pace towards the end. The end was totally unrealistic, or rather the book felt unrealistic at quite a few places. But that said, I loved the book. I might be partial here, although, because of my love for sarees. Yet, this was a wonderful read and definitely one for your library.

P.s: Click on the image below to buy the book.

Let's Be The Change - From The Diary Of An Unconventional Mallu Bride

A couple of days back, during a random conversation on Kerala and weddings, I was asked, "you must have also been covered in gold for your wedding, no?"Although then, to her, I replied in a one word negative, I thought a lot about it later. I was an unconventional Kerala bride in terms of the accessories that I wore.

I don't know when or how it was decided that I would be wearing just one necklace for my wedding. It wasn't even a decision. For a person who had never worn any gaudy gold except for a very thin chain on her neck,  two pair of studs on her ears, and a tiny speck of a diamond on the nose, it never made any sense to be overloaded with something I was not comfortable with on my wedding day. My parents too were never obsessed with gold and in fact, it was Achan (my father) who was more particular than me about how much less gold I should be wearing for the wedding.

Because of this, the jewellery shopping was a breeze. After we bought my wedding saree, we walked into one of the popular jewellery shops in Madras and there it was, calling to us right from the display shelf. It blended well with my saree - the perfect match I could ever get. I fell in love with the necklace and earring instantly that it was a 'pack it' moment. We didn't search for better options or a few more pieces before we decided on this. It took us a little more time to find the perfect pair of bangles and once we found that, our jewellery shopping for the wedding was over! A few days before the wedding, we had a fight though - my grandmother and my mother on one side and me on the other. Amma and Ammumma wanted me to wear a hip chain for the wedding and I outrightly rejected the idea since it wasn't something I would ever use in my life again and it seemed like a waste of money. Amma stood by Ammumma when she said it was her wish and finally I gave in to the two most important women in my life. On one condition though - that I would choose it and it has to be plain.

I had quite a lot of friends and family who tried to 'advice' me about how I should be overloaded with gold on my wedding day - advices ranging from how this is the day that my parents would be able to see me in my full glory (I still haven't understood what they meant) to how can Raghu's daughter undermine his status by wearing just one necklace to what will Balu's family think of it to this is the only way you guys can show how wealthy you are. The only family that wasn't bothered or didn't even ask us a single question about what I was wearing or anything remotely related was my in-laws. By the time the wedding was over and we were leaving for home, my hip-belt was in Balu's aunt's hand since it was coming out and on our way home - a long 5 hour journey - I handed over my earrings to another aunt since it was hurting me. No one in that family told me to wear it back since I was the bride and since they had to show the public what the bride was bringing home (weird logic, I know.. but I've heard it a lot). I love this family more for this, for never dictating anyone in the family with unwanted rules and principles, for giving all the girls who walked into their homes the freedom to make choices and much more - but that's another story.

As much as I say that it helped me live the moment, kept me sane instead of weighing me down, and gave me one thing less to worry about when it came to wedding preparations, sadly, amongst Keralites, this is a one-off case. As much as our generation has wanted to change the trend of being 'gold mines' on our wedding day, it is really difficult considering the expectation of family and even worse, the society. So much so that you loose the energy to fight to have your way. Little do we realise that we are setting a very high standard among the lower income group to match up, and they do indeed - taking loans that they find difficult to repay and selling property, to have a dream wedding. What for? For a few pieces of jewellery that is going to be in the locker and rarely touched! Of course, it's an asset. But do we really need to showcase all our assets from our parents' hard-earned money on us on the most important day in our lives?

I had a dowry free wedding. Neither my husband nor my in-laws were interested in what my parents were 'gifting' me. We never had a discussion on that. And my parents never bothered to specifically allot a portion of their wealth to me for my wedding. Rather, they chose to stand by us whenever they felt we needed support, big or small, even without we asking them. And so did my in-laws. And I couldn't be more grateful for that. It meant a lot to me and it still does rather than an obligatory 100 sovereign of gold and a few acres of land.

We need to bring a change to this trend that leaves us displaying our parents wealth on us, a trend that plays spoilsport on the most special day in the lives of two people. It's high time we bring about a change. Our generation can indeed make a change. Weddings should be about celebrating love, welcoming new relationships and making memories. Let's not make it a power-play to showcase wealth and making a goldmine of the bride.

The Golden Vishu Days

It's Vishu today - April 14th. The day we, as kids, used to eagerly look forward to every year. Of all the festivals that we celebrate in a year, this has to be my favourite.

It all starts with getting up early in the morning to see the 'Vishu Kani' that Ammumma and Amma had set beautifully the night before. In the wee hours of the day, Amma wakes us up, blindfolds our eyes with her hands and walks us to the Pooja Room where the Kani is set beautiful with all the fruits and vegetables, gold, money, mirror and Unni Kannan in the midst of all. Even now, watching the kani with all the Vishu songs and other shlokas in the background is surreal. Amma then gives us our first Kaineetam of the day - a tower of ten Re. 1 coins, which back then was a major let down since to us, the kaineetam was more of giving us a 'pocket money' rather than a blessing for prosperity. We would then rush to get ready to visit all our favourite temples. After almost two hours of temple visits we would come back home to rest while watching a super-hit Malayalam movie while the sadya gets ready. However, all said and done, a major part of the day goes by with getting 'Kaineetam' from all the elders. We would ask Kaineetam from all those who came home that day, from all elders we visited, from neighbours who are more like family and from all at home. Growing up, us three kids would compete against each other to get the highest amount. I still remember we slyly asking each other how much we got so that we can go one rupee up. The best part of the day was getting Kaineetam from Achan because undoubtedly his amount would be the highest. But thinking back, more than it being the highest, it was a pure joy getting Kaineetam from Achan because he gave it with all his heart and ensuring we had enough to buy all that we wanted.

Things changed as the years passed by. When I went to UK for my masters, I was at my uncle's house and celebrated my first Vishu away from home there. Despite her husband being (supposedly) an atheist, my aunt and her mom set up the Vishu Kani beautifully and after all the years of taunting and troubling him for my kaineetam, that year I finally got my kaineetam from him. I kept the amount in my wallet for a long time without spending since it meant so much to me - as the years passed, I think I forgot about it and the money got spent in some way or the other. I still send him an email or message for my share of kaineetam every year before Vishu and like all years that has passed by, we fight about the topic every year. Once I got married, I realised that the husband was worse than my uncle. In this seven years, I've never got a kaineetam from the man, inspite of the mandatory call his mom does every year on this day to tell him 'strictly' that I had to be given kaineetam!

Marriage changed my way of celebrating Vishu a lot. In contrast to getting up with Amma's hands on my eyes leading me to the Puja room, it was now upon me to get the Kani ready and to lead the husband and now, the little boy too. While earlier I sat lazying around and running around collecting my share of the kaineetam, only to come back and sit for the sadya lunch, now it is upon me to get the sadya ready. Even with kaineetam, over the years receiving has taken a backseat and giving has taken over.

Yesterday night, after I made the little boy sleep and got up to set the Vishu kani, my eyes welled up. I missed home terribly. It was one of those moments when I realised that the little girl has grown up to be a mother now. All that I wanted was to be back home, oblivious of all the cleaning and setting up of Vishu Kani and waking up to Amma's call to see the Kani. The feeling continued when I woke up today morning too. Now, after a mini sadya that I whipped up for the boys, my mood is slowly changing for the better. I am happy that the little boy atleast got to experience a minute part of my favourite festival - yes, he did have the kani, he got the kaineetam and the sadya. I don't know if he will ever be able to walk through neighbourhoods collecting his kaineetam from everyone and counting the money. But for now, he got the best of what I could offer him.