You Will Be Cherished, 2016!

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Yet another year pass by. And this time, it seems like it passed by in the blink of an eye. I still remember clearly the first day of the year, waking up to see my smiling little boy and starting the year with lot of hopes and enthusiasm. I wanted to do a lot of things this year, be high on productivity, and travel. I wanted to do all that I loved and stretch my limits.

This year, I realised you get what you wish for. Opportunities came knocking on my door with dream offers. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be editing books and connecting with authors, but that was a huge happy check in my bucket list. This year, writing made me stand on my two feet, giving me the financial independence that I lost somewhere in the excitement of being a mom. I am still struggling and I may not be earning as I used to, but I love the tiny steps that I am taking and it has given me the much needed confidence to push forward and struggle to do better. Through all this and more, writing helped me connect with long lost friends and acquaintances. I was overjoyed each time I got a new message or mail from an old friend just dropping in to say how they loved what I wrote and from there we caught up on our lives and spoke about our worries and dreams, and lengthy conversations pursued. Many a times, this little space of mine has been the perfect ice-breaker, when after the mandatory hellos and 'how are you's, conversations steered towards the blog and what I wrote.

After ages I stood in front of the mike, addressing people whom I hold in the highest pedestal, my professors and other authorities in my field of profession. I still remember, how I had sleepless nights thinking about addressing the dignitaries and standing in front of the mike. I couldn't remember the last time I took the mike and I almost had a nervous breakdown. But by the end of it, I had fought a biggest fear and I was overjoyed when I saw the smiling, comforting faces of my teachers whose "you did well" was the biggest certificate I could have got that day.

This year, I realised what best friends really mean. Just like last year, this year gifted me a few good friends and although we knew each other only for a few months, they were right by my side whenever I needed. Bangalore started slowly feel like home because of these lovely guys in my life and I realised, years doesn't matter when it comes to friendship, the connect is all that matters. And when you get that right, you know there is always someone to reach out to and you need to be extremely grateful for that. 

Like last year, this year too, I strived to be the best mother I could possibly be to the little boy. There were times when I failed, but I picked up, learning a lesson on the way and tried to better myself the next time. There have been times I've lost my cool, wondered whatever happened to my life, but there has been no single day I haven't sent a silent thank you note up for what I have. The house has been messier and noisier than last year, but for that I am more grateful than complaining and I wouldn't change any bit of it. 

I still haven't done all that I wished to do and I don't know if that is even possible - to tick off everything in your bucket list, but maybe that's ok since I would have a few dreams to look forward to the next year. There are still a few jitters I need to fight against, a few wishes that need to be taken care of and a few more limits that I want to stretch. There are still a few childhood interests that I was passionate about which got lost in the rush to catch up with life that I want to get back to. There are a few 'out of my comfort' zones that I want to tread and experience the unknown. But this year will always be in my list of favourites.

I am sure I will always look back at this year with endearment - the year I realised I was my biggest cheer girl, the year I fell more in love with myself, the year of "you go, girl!"

I will always remember you with fondness, 2016!

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

While The Little One Is Away For His Vacation

It's vacation time and the little one has gone to his grandparents' to enjoy his holidays by getting pampered, surrounded by people ready to be at his service, and breaking all the rules that is strictly followed by his parents!

When his Ammumma (grandmother) requested that he spent his holidays with them, I was happy to consent. While the boy would be happy to get all the attention and all that he wanted, I would get some 'me-time' to catch up on all the pending work and reading. And also some time to sit back, relax and breathe. And it was not like we haven't stayed apart. The little one has been staying with his grandparents every now and then for a couple of days since he was just above a year. But, when the time came to see him off at the airport this time, my mind was in a turmoil. I felt terribly lonely and I could feel my eyes well up. This was not the first time, but this was the first time my little boy was away from me for no particular reason. All the previous times, it was I who was travelling and hence it was I who always kissed him goodbye. This time, though, it was different! I wasn't going anywhere. And it was very difficult to wave my baby goodbye.

For the first time in three years, B and I were alone together. All the previous times, whenever the little one was at his grandparents', B would have been on one of his work trips and I would have been travelling, and hence, all three of us would have been at separate places busy with our own lives. But this time it was different. We were together without the little one for the first time since he was born and all of a sudden there was an awkwardness between us. In between all the parenting joys and troubles that engulfed us in the last three years, we forgot what it was to be a couple.  In fact, it felt like meeting each other after a very long time, if not for the first time, and panicking because there was a weird silence between us all of a sudden. It took a long drive, a dinner date and extra effort to strike a random conversation to break the ice. Somewhere along the rush to be the perfect parents to the little boy, we had sidelined us. All the long, marathon talks that we had before the baby now seemed like a distant memory from another life. When did we took the role of just being parents and forget the couple in us? Of course, we are still in love, but love took a new meaning somewhere in between. It was no more about being sweethearts, rather, it included a tiny bundle of joy that took the limelight away from us and self invited himself to be the spotlight, our star, our centre of attraction. 

Over the past two days, there have been times when I've missed him terrible and just wanted to break down and cry. I miss the tiny hands on my neck when we are sleepy, I miss the naughty feet pulling the table to the kitchen counter top and climbing on it to see what I was cooking, I miss the naughty giggles after turning the house upside down. Oh, I terribly miss him! Our home is just not the same without the little one around. The silence is indeed more maddening than all the cries and mess that the little boy makes. While I was looking forward to some 'me-time' and time alone with the husband, trying to regain my sanity among all the parenting craziness, I am not quite sure about it now. Am I actually regaining by sanity? I don't know. In fact, I really don't think so. 

We were married for three years before we had the little one. And ever since, it has been an action packed life with so much cheer and happiness, along with some hair pulling, nerve-racking moments, of course. But his presence in our life was such that I do not remember how we lived the three years as a couple before he turned us to parents. In fact, I do not seem to remember anything at all about our life before he was born. What did we talk? How did we spend time together? As much as we enjoyed our couple time then, looking back, life seemed to have been a dry run without all the noise and thuds that has filled our lives for three years now.

It's not been many days, but I am already counting the days and hours since I can give my baby a tight hug and snuggle with him, listening to the weirdest, wildest tales, laughing my heart out and playing "Mamma.. Where are you? I can't see you!". It is so true that you do not know what you've been missing unless you've experienced it! Motherhood is indeed a blessing, and I will not trade it for anything. Anything at all. Even if it means sacrificing my sleep, time and even sanity to an extent. 

Oh Boy... You Are Three!

Wasn't it yesterday that the doctor told me I was carrying you? Wasn't it yesterday that you were born? Wasn't it yesterday that I was figuring how to hug the newborn that you were and sleep? And now? Before I even realised, you are all grown up my dear boy! You have your opinions and preferences, you want to be involved in whatever I do, and oh boy, aren't you a chatterbox? My eyes well up when I realise I no longer can cradle you in my arms. As much as I want you to grow up, there is a heavy tuck in my heart when I see you all grown up as compared to the newborn that you were!

Our life has been so lively and cheerful ever since you came by. There have been times when I just wanted to shut my ears and hide myself, but i wouldn't trade the yellings and messy house for anything else in this whole wide world. Ever! I love your little hand around my neck and I heart the night time snuggles and cuddles. I am proud when you get things right with whatever you were doing. I am proud when you talk perfect sentences. I am proud when you complete your little puzzles and says, "look, Amma!". I am proud when you ride your cycle like a pro. I am proud when you pick a book and ask me to read it for you. In fact, I am proud of you every moment irrespective of what it is.

Over the past year, you've become naughtier, yet terrible two was more terrific than terrible! You've lit up our lives like I never imagined and you have been my perfect travel companion, never fussy and at the same time looking forward to all the car, flight and train journeys that we made. I love our daily meals together and it's a joy to watch you eat though there are times that you shower the floor with food, drenches the food in water and make a mess altogether. You've become a chatterbox and your endless talks fascinate me, although there are times I long for silence. You've been my right hand in almost all the chores that I do at home, ever willing to help me. You know, little boy, you are my champ!

The last year was fun with your chatters and quirky one liners. I hope my memory never fades because I want to remember each of your gibberish talks and your funny plays. How much have you grown in the past year, dear boy? From figuring out how to walk and talk properly, you are a pro at both, and the climbing? Oh boy! There isn't any place in the house that your little hand doesn't reach and your little feet can't climb! I love the whys and hows that you ask and I hope I can continue to help you figure out the answer for all your questions.

My little boy, you mean the world to me and I love you with all my life. As you turn three, I wish you don't loose your innocence, the spark in your eyes stays forever and your happiness will always be infectious. I pray our home is always filled with your chatter and laughter. Although I dread it, a piece of me still hope you remain the naughty boy that you are. As much as I enjoyed the last year and I am going to miss it terribly, I am eagerly looking forward to your 'threenage' and the fun and dread it is going to bring!

Happy birthday, Adhrith!

Best Friends Forever!

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A dear friend of mine, one of my soul sisters, saw the birthday cake that I got this year from my friends here and told me how she felt a tuck in her heart reading the "best friends" tag that was written in it. She wondered how these new friends became my best friends all of a sudden when people like her have always been around.

Growing up, I always thought that one could have only one best friend. And just like everybody who had that one friend whom you were closer to than anyone else, whom you favoured more than everyone else, I too had one. We grew up together, being with each other as much as possible (and it was easy since we were family friends and all the trips and dinners were mostly together!) and were an inevitable part of each other's lives. We didn't have to update each other on what's happening in our lives, since the other was equally a part of it, sharing with us all the happiness and sorrows (as cliche as it sounds). As it happened, she was my best friend and the world too knew us as the best friends that we were. 

But somewhere down the line, other people too joined in the list. The ones who saw the best and worst of me. The ones who accepted me as I am. The ones who pointed out to me my mistakes yet loved me. The ones who influenced me without even realising. The ones whom I realised I can't live without! It took me a very long time to accept them as my best friends, to look beyond the one best friend that I had. We were thick friends too, standing by each other come what may - minus the tag line! Even when I changed schools, went to college, started work, got married and had a baby, they stayed with me. They stood up for me in front of others, they even made friends with the family I got married into and in short, they were my life!

A new school and later, college, added another amazing bunch of people to the list. We may not have shared my whole childhood with, but we found common interests, we gave each other company when nobody else was there. More than anything, this set of people brought life and happiness to the new beginnings I chose. I grew up from being a child to an adult with them. We shared many 'firsts' together, slowly marking our presence in each other's lives.

When I started work, I made another set of amazing friends. We kept each other company while we worked late, we figured our way together amidst all the office politics, we lent a ear to each other when we cribbed about our bosses and we held each other's hands through all the frustrations. It was only because of them that life at work became easier and for that I will always be grateful to them.

In between all these, there have been people who have been a constant part of my life from the time I remember. This bunch is more of a family than friends. Our parents knew each other, we grew up together and we held close like we were siblings. Some were close to home and we were together almost all the time. We did trips together, we came back home late night almost every other day that the parents finally realised it was pointless to tell us and better to crib amongst themselves. We stood by each other through deaths, marriages and even births. We've had bitter fights without the apprehension of loosing the other only to end up hugging each other and wondering where to go for dinner once the fight was over.  There have been a lot of "I can't believe you are getting married" yet, we were more excited than them on their special day. Some were far away, yet the distance never came in between. We looked forward to the once in a year visits when we could spend time together and no amount of time was sufficient for our chats. We cried our hearts out and shared our happiness through chats and messages. We shared photos and videos to keep the other updated about our life. This bunch have been the closest I've had as the big bunch of cousins that I've always dreamt of but never had (I have only one first cousin and I consider her more as a sibling than a cousin). In fact, I do not remember a life without them!

Forward to now, the boy's friends' moms have become an integral part of my life. I am rediscovering my childhood with them. And I do not know how I would get past one day without them. Having them around, I know that I have help at hand whenever needed. I finally feel at home, here in Bangalore, after seven years of being here. We share our anxieties, worries and dreams together. We went with each other to the doctor's when the little ones fell sick, we checked on each other when the husbands were travelling and we were home alone with the little ones, we stepped up for the other whenever there was a need. We had fun while the little ones were at school and explored food joints and shops together. We have become family!

Because of all these amazing people, I now know I have quite a few best buddies in my life. The ones who are always by my side. While one comes with me for breakfast dates, the other makes sure I am a part of all the outings, yet another sends my favourite dish each time she makes and another lets me be bossy around her.... the list just goes on. And I am forever grateful for them. My wolf pack!